2012 – The review. WTF? OMG! Halp!

I watched this movie last week at Big Cinemas in Ameerpet (the old GoldSpot factory if you’re wondering). I was prepared for a bit of melodrama and a sappy ending and this movie totally delivered. I found it funny in so many places, pills  people actually started making grunts of disapproval whenever I found something chuckleworthy.

The movie starts off in India with that guy who played the Guru. He’s a geologist in this movie with a bad Indo-American accent and a penchant for the phrase ‘my friend’. I bullshit you not, people. He uses the phrase in nine of the twelve dialogues he has in this movie and towards the end, it really starts to wear on you. What annoyed me, is that they’ve made it look like an Indian thing, my friend.

They show us a secret lab that looks suspiciously like a leaky library somewhere in Banaras with a little boy who looked like Mowgli hanging around in the background. Long story short, Phriendly Phanendranath has discovered that we’re in deep shit. The geyser element in the earth’s core has conked out and and we’re getting overheated real fast. He tells his American geologist friend that the world is in for it, and the hero Adrian Helmsley (Chiwetel Ejiofor) leaves without even tasting Phani’s wife’s famous fish curry.


Anyway, the most important geologist in the world flies back across the globe and carries Phani’s bad news to Washington DC. As always, nobody takes the hero seriously at first and some of them even laugh mockingly. Tsk tsk. Very bad. Eventually, they listen and word goes up to the President. They then pass on the news to the rest of the world and leaders around the world slap their foreheads in unision and agree that the world is indeed screwed. Meanwhile Jackson something (John Cusack), struggling writer and limo driver is fighting to keep his family together. Its the whole ‘single dad looking after kids on weekend and coping with sullen rebellious son while ex wife gets serious with new boyfriend’ scenario. Yeah, that old potato. He takes them camping to Yellowstone National Park and finds that the govt is up to something fishy. He also runs into Charlie Frost (Woody Harrelson) a crazy hermit like feller who knows all about the impending doom and whats been leading up to it. He tells Jackson to beat it if he wants to live and hints at the Himalayas.

Finally, bad stuff starts to happen. Earthquakes all over the place! This is where 2012 really excelled. The special effects really kicked ass and made my waning interest come back in a trice. Spectacular scenes showed Jackson and his family (+ wife’s new boyfriend) flee New York in a limousine and a dinky little plane. They manage to hook up with a wealthy Russian, his girlfriend and his butt ugly kids who have tickets to Noah’s Ark 2.0. They all board an Antonov An225 like one big dysfunctional family and make their way to the Himmerlayers (where I happened to be last month) [another story, another time] {look me up on Facebook for pics} ::sigh:: I love parantheses. On a side note, the word parantheses looks like something you would call a thousand paranthas.


Violently wrenching the joystick of this blog post back on track, we crash land in China and kill the Russian businessman’s driver/girlfriend lover. There are so many characters in this movie, I almost forgot a few. The President of the United States is supposed to be an old Obama I guess. Thandie Newton of MI2 fame plays his daughter – also a scientist or something – conveniently has lots of scenes with the geoglogist hero therefore setting the stage/expectation for a make out scene later in the film. Turns out the powers of the world have gotten together and built a bunch of arks for the rich and the famous to take shelter in. This doesn’t bode well with Adrian. The noble geologist is of the opinion that seats on the ark shouldn’t be up for sale. Geo aur jeeno do types. Get the (lo)gist of it? He is firmly backed by the President’s daughter and the two of them manage to sway the opinions of the united powers of the world much to the chagrin of Oliver Platt – the misguided White House Chief of Staff. Forgot to mention that the Russian lug turned out to be a baddie who abandoned the rest of the group and decided to save only himself and his a** ugly kids.

Meanwhile the Jackson five, a Chinese welder and his grandparents make it inside the ark via the laundry chute or something. They soon find themselves trapped inside a chamber rapidly filling up with icy water. Things don’t look good for the gang. The icy waters soak through Jackson’s undies and he is spurred into action. They need to get outta the chamber and get out fast! Kids are drowning, man! Somewhere along the way, the director gets rid of the wife’s annoying boyfriend by flinging him down the laundry chute like yesterday’s underwear; hereby setting the scene for a tearful ‘end of film’ family reunion. Limousine diver John Cusack displays impressive lung power and swims to the bottom of the chamber, tinkers about and manages to save the day. Turns out a used shampoo sachet was clogging the drain.


Anyway, they get the ark to stop taking on water and they finally manage to close the damn door. The gang makes it on board successfully and everyone hangs tight as Mother Nature puts an ass whupping of galactic proportions on Noah’s Ark 2.0. Again, the effects were good. The storm blows over and everything begins to look hopeful. Everyone even gets cool disaster schwag afterwards. Turns out the world has changed significantly now and the Himalayas are no longer the roof of the world. Intolerable! Another slap in the face, my friend!

As expected, the President’s daughter and Adrian decide to go out for coffee and doughnuts and Jackson and his wife decide to give their marriage another shot. All in all, 2012 was a good movie. Predictable as hell but entertaining all the while. One of the best things in the film was short animated video that the nutcase (Woody Harrelson) shows off at the beginning of the movie. I’ve posted it below. Watch.

I also decided to design my own version of the poster too. Take a look.

2012 poster

Over and out. 😀

One Comment Add yours

  1. Jameela says:

    I look forward to seeing the movie 2012? this weekend. The CGI looked great. Maybe the story and acting won’t be up to par for everyone but the 6 bucks I’ll be paying for the matinee…. well… I think it will be well worth the price for the big special effects alone.

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